People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Never be a pizza!
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
haha same