People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.