People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude鈥檚 a loser with a crappy bomb who鈥檚 crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i鈥檓 happy to report it鈥檚 still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego鈩笍
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
These are too funny not to post 馃槀
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can鈥檛 get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Not to brag, but it鈥檚 not even Halloween and I鈥檝e already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing