People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
You Might Also Like
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount