People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: π₯ππππ₯
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: Iβm a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Letβs hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their storeβs impending closure …
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
βStill too cold… Still too cold…β
βScrew it, I canβt be late again.β
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know thereβs no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Heβs dead
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Donβt stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
1996: My loneliness is killinβ me
2020: Thatβs cute.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If she hides her money in her bra, thatβs called a treasure chest.
i canβt wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.