People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing