people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!