People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
kevin is now a local weatherman
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
the #horror is real!
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?