Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.