People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
🙁
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.