People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!