people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend