Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*