People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
You Might Also Like
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.