People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Based Erika
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”