People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”