People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
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him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
our love story in four pictures
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*