People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
You Might Also Like
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Always
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take