People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic


Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule


Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.


[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.


Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.


[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”


What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?


Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.


Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so


Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.