@missekay

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

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@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

@Brampersandon_

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

@crashcampbell84

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

@GingerHotDish

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

@traciebreaux

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@iamspacegirl

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.