People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?