People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file


I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!


You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.


1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease


doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”


This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.


Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.


Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.