People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
As the Lord intended
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail