@sokangarude

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

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@mansizedthumbs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

@5hael

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

@AnniemuMary

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

@ElizaBayne

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

@KeetPotato

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

@HomeWithPeanut

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

@AmericanGent69

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.