Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother