People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

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[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.



Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!


Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.


*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*


A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer


*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”


“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”


My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.


I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.


Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.


My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.