@shaun__gunner

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

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@IDontSpeakWhine

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

@WheelTod

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

@Smooheed

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

@Moronyc

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

@Tommytoughstuff

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

@UncleDuke1969

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

@neiltyson

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

@EndhooS

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

@themafinch

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.