@shaun__gunner
@IDontSpeakWhine [At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
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@IDontSpeakWhine 
@WheelTod Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@Smooheed *signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
@Moronyc A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
@Tommytoughstuff [Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
@UncleDuke1969 “Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
@UncleDuke1969 My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
@neiltyson I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
@EndhooS Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
@themafinch My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.