People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.