People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
You Might Also Like
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.