People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”