People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes