People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
My favorite state to visit?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.