People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.