People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I think they could have phrased this better
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry