People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
opening twitter today
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?