People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
What’s so funny?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Huge, if true.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”