People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My biological clock is wheezing.
WTF
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse