@robdelaney Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
@MetteAngerhofer People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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@robdelaney 
@LuvPug *at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
@JohnLyonTweets Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
@JoroPotential If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
@timdonakowski “You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
@djdarrellripley Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
@JessObsess It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
@robin_991 I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
@LoveNLunchmeat No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
@AnniemuMary My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.