People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*