People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”