People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.