People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”