People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Accurate
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.