@froghammer

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

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@emmyblotnick

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

@papasuncle

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

@TragicAllyHere

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@bazecraze

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

@mrjohndarby

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

@mommy_cusses

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@AllyBallyBeal

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise