People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”


A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.


Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.


If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.


Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”


interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood


Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?


Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.


Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise