People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.