People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.


Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.


Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.



Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.


Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.


[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that


Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.


“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege


Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.