@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

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@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

@noog

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

@hythemafia

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

@UnFitz

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

@Brampersandon_

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

@thepunningman

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.