People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.