@Shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

@dave_cactus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@whatsJo

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

@cambuslad

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

@FrankConniff

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”