People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
You Might Also Like
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.