People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

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Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.


There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.


It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.


You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.


[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out


I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.


“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*


My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.


“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”