People who are bad at hiding, I see you
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog