People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
doing some research
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair