People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs