Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?