people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Buying a well is money well spent.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.