People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Introverted vegans go meetless
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.