@RYGdance

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

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@dhanisthavenus

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

@T_Bonezzz_

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

@Megatronic13

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

@DVSblast

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

@bigtenniscourt

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”