@Old_Pat_Bren “I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
@RYGdance People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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@Old_Pat_Bren 
@dhanisthavenus After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
@T_Bonezzz_ 5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
@Megatronic13 Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
@DVSblast NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
@panmidwest DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
@blade_funner “You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
@bigtenniscourt Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
@WilliamAder Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”