People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex