People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Check out the legs on this baby
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
car not found
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.