People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Geez man, take it easy.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.