People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If snakes were wide
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.