People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.