People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
You Might Also Like
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
can’t talk my ride’s here
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?