people who do mutinies should be called mutants
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.