People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
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never deleting this app.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment